Running and health is a form of art. Simple yet complicated.
There are so many moving parts physically, mentally and spiritually. Everyone strives to be the best they can be whether it is running, health or anything else. They pour their sweat and tears into their passions.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my running career. I have made a lot of mistakes with my health. Some minor and some borderline dangerous.
I have struggled with my own demons that have held me back physically and mentally in running and healthy living. I am improving – but I will never be perfect.
My Mistakes and Flaws
Runners are a tricky bunch. Runners develop their own weird habits, vices and actions that get them through their day. They have to. If you are working full time, dealing with life stresses, and trying to run as well – its a recipe for mistakes. How big of a mistake – well, that is up to you to judge.
I will admit it. I was stupid. I had identity issues for the longest time on not only what I wanted to do with my life but how I defined myself. Was I a runner? Banker? Housewife? Combination of any number of things? Who was I?
I struggled with this and it caused me to assign my identity based on others. I compared myself. Big mistake!
I always got in arguments with Wes about how I thought he wished I was some amazingly fast runner. He thought it was funny at first because it wasn’t true and then after awhile you could tell it irritated him. He always told me that he didn’t care if I ran another step. He just wanted me to figure out who I was and to make my own path with my own passions. But, stupid me – that went in one ear and out the other at the time. I didn’t listen.
I thought I could do what he did and more without ramifications. My mistakes included:
- Ramping up my mileage to 60–70 miles a week without any sort of base
- High intensity workouts without a running base
- Disordered eating
- Never relaxing and being high strung
- No form drills or strength work
Well there is a nice recipe for disaster! Oh and it was…case and point a femoral stress fracture.
Here is something that people will find interesting and possibly funny. Wes is an absolute candy-holic. He is not proud of it but is well aware that it is a huge vice of his. He developed it during the beginning of medical school as a way to cope with the stresses of studying for hours upon end and trying to stay motivated and awake to study and run. He would and still does sometimes go and get a huge 2 pound bag of bulk candy from Wegmans.
He would do this on many of nights that he would study – he said it relaxed him and kept him alert. Unhealthy – oh yeah! He is the first person to tell you that he is an idiot and accepts that. But, it is what worked for him – what got him through his day – allowed him to keep up his running and doing well in medical school. This unfortunately all rubbed off on me and it all played into my eating issues at the time. I would sometimes watch what I ate so that I too could enjoy candy at night if I was with Wes – big mistake!
I was flawed in this regard and struggled with eating disorder problems. Yes, I said it.
I still find myself wanting to get my mileage up to ‘x’ number, sometimes. I feel honesty is key here even if it is through a blog. Again, I say – I am not perfect.
Progress Begins
While I find myself thinking about old ways whether its disordered eating or wanting to run more mileage too quickly – I have voices of reason now. My injury history combined with my gained knowledge about myself allow me to keep some of those harmful thoughts at bay. This is progress.
For the most part – I have overcome my disordered eating past – I think my 2–3 month span of all weight-lifting helped me learn more about nutrition and what my body needed. But, again – not perfect.
I don’t have good running form. But, I am working on it. I am doing drills. I suck at doing strength and core work. But, I have started incorporating it 3–4 times a week now. I’m seeing the light and making progress.
Accepting Myself
I never ran or did sports when I was in high school or college. Running or sports was never who I was, I knew nothing of running or health. I was a flute playing high school student that studied a lot.
When I met Wes was the first time I ever really considered running. I envied that free feeling he got from running. And, I will be honest, I envied his ability to eat whatever he wanted because of his running. Cue the possible spark to my sporadic disordered eating.
Looking back – I obviously see that I was wanting to be what Wes was with running. I hadn’t learned to accept my own history of athletics and my own way of running for me. I hadn’t accepted who I was.
Wes has always said that he has a lot of confidence in me and that I can be an amazing runner. I trust him. But, he always follows that up with – I alone will be the determining factor in that.
I write this to express my thoughts, spread some honesty, and to initiate some level of openness on topics people stay away from.
Some may see this as rambling but I see it as a level of therapy combined with accountability.
I’m not perfect – far from it. But, thats OK. I am improving everyday.
Since I never heard from the winner of the Apera Sprint Pack I drew another. The winner is Megan Lyons!
Also, the winner of the Alo Yoga $50 gift card is Nikki!
Congrats ladies! Please email me at saralovingontherun{at}gmail{dot}com and we will get your items on their way to you!
What have you had to accept about yourself over time?
Have you ever compared yourself too much to others?
Tell me something random! (So I don’t feel like this post was a jumbled mess.)
[Tweet “Ramblings From An Imperfect Runner via @LovingOnTheRun #runchat #run #running #runner”]
No body is perfect! I think that sometimes, it is harmful to strive for “perfection” because there is always room to improve. It’s better to focus on what you CAN do to improve; some days, you’ll take steps forward and some days, you’ll take steps backwards. What matters is that you acknowledge your progress and be honest with yourself.
So true JoJo 🙂 Thank you! It is sometimes a fine line we walk, but I am learning every day the beauty of imperfection.
Great post. I can be a total perfectionist. More is better type person. Not always the case as my body lets me know. I don’t compare myself with others….I compare my 42 year old self with my 20 something self. And that just isn’t a recipe for success. I’m learning to embrace what my body will do for me and I need to slow down and ask myself “will this help me or hurt me?” Random: I am addicted to any type of nut butter 🙂 I could eat it at every meal!!
As they always say “Comparison is the thief of joy” – no matter what kind of comparison it is! I too am trying to slow down and really enjoy the moments and realize I will get better I Just have to take things a day at a time.
Oh yes, I too LOVE nut butters!! I can get way to carried away with them 🙂
Hmmm something random. Well Austin bought me a Hoover Steam Vac and I put it together last night and cleaned all the carpets and I literally feel so much better about my life! (I’m a little obsessive about my carpets).
I have always wanted to try out a Steam Vac! It is the little things in life sometimes 🙂
I have thunder thighs, and despite cleaning up my diet, increasing my strength training and upping my mileage I couldn’t get to what I view as an “ideal” runner’s body. It took a while but I’ve accepted and learned to embrace this. 🙂
“comparison is the thief of joy” I was so bad about this especially in high school, all my friends were teeny tiny, I was larger, had hips and thighs and muscles… and always felt self conscious. In college I learned to appreciate and respect my body and it’s capabilities.
My hubs matched in Louisville, KY! We’re super stoked to move!! I’ve been looking around for jobs and a place to live… it’s exciting!! How are things going for you two??
That quote is so true! I have had to learn that a lot!
That is so exciting!!! Congrats to him!! It is a really exciting and stressful time! We actually just think we found a house today to rent for the next 3 years so the process is started. Still a bit early on the job front, but hoping that will start up full force in the next month for me!
That’s awesome you guys found a house!! Yay!! 🙂
Thank you so much for this post. Your honesty and openness is respected by your readers (at least this one!) and you are NOT alone in feeling way you do.
I realize that I have come a long way in my journey with disordered eating, perfectionism, and health. However, I also fall back into old habits, especially when I am in a relationship. I become competitive with my significant other, I look to them for how to eat and how to treat my body, despite knowing what I need in terms of fuel and exercise. As much as I meditate, clear my mind, eat healthily, exercise 5-6x per week with running and weights/cross training, I body-bash, I criticize, I self-loath. What you said about your past with exercise is just like me!!! I never once ran in high school nor was ever built to be a star athlete. Instead of expressing gratitude at the fact I am even able to run half marathons, I bash my time and want to compare myself to others.
No one is perfect. Loving yourself for your flaws is often the hardest thing to do. Accepting that life is a roller coaster of emotions is the second hardest thing.
Erica thank you so much for your honesty! I know how hard it is to constantly want better to the point where you can even enjoy what you have! It sure is a learning process but we will get there 🙂
I do enjoy knowing that I am not completely crazy and that others have dealt with the same thing. Imperfection is beauty and it is time we all accept our flaws and be proud of what we HAVE accomplished!
I pick apart my own body every day by finding things I don’t like about it, and I don’t have an “ideal” runner’s body either. The main thing is that I’ve realized I need to love me for me. Comparison is what always gets me in trouble, but I’m learning to let go of those emotions. I’m lucky enough to have an awesome husband who motivates and supports me every step of the way. Thanks for sharing.
Supportive husbands are the best 🙂 So glad that you are learning to stay clear of the comparison demon. I know it haunts me so many times as well!
I think it’s really tough to not compare myself to others, but I try to keep it in check and realize I’m me and not anyone else. I try to just stick to my own personal goals and what makes me happy.
That is a great way to look at it Em!
I struggle with ED and I appreciate you opening up about it. Did you go to any therapy for it?
No I haven’t. I only really dealt with it over the last year or so with some added stresses in my life. I’ve been able to overcome my disordered eating for the most part. Even though I still will have thoughts sometimes, I’ve thankfully been able to take control back!
I’m guilty of comparing myself with other runners. I’m on the slower side (I run between 10-11:30 minutes per mile) and I wish I could be faster but for now I have to work with what I got.
You’re out there doing it and that is all that matters! 🙂
Fit Vegan Diaries: I am a slower runner too. I am actually trying to slow myself down because at 42 I am not looking to run any marathons or get any PRs — my goal is to run 3-4x week and have fun and not get injured. I used to have a really hard time with my pace but my husband just said to me “are you having fun?” and I said “yes” and he said “that is all that matters”. And it is! Just keep doing what you are doing. And have FUN 🙂
Ironically I feel like I often compare myself to other running bloggers! While blogs are a great place to hear about other people’s experiences, its so important to remember that everyone is different and that maybe there is more to what is going on than what they share on the blog. I think this is a great reminder that we are all human and have our vices!
Very true Lisa! It is really easy to get in that trap. I have to remind myself that too when reading other blogs that I am still building back up so I don’t need to compare to these others.
Sara, this post could not have come at a better time. I have been comparing myself to everyone else in their journey to success instead of following my heart and making my OWN journey. It’s hard to know your place as a runner. I keep asking myself, am I only a “good” runner if I am fast and do a bunch of marathons?! Does this really make you GREAT? Or am I great because everyday I get out there and DO IT? What is more important–making myself or others proud?? Something I have really been battling with. Thank you for comforting me in the fact that I am not the only one, we all have to find our own path and be our best self!
Aww thank you Ashley! I am so glad this helped you! Comparison is so hard and it has over taken me in the past too. The best that we can do is be ourselves. I’ve been told I’m not fast enough, I don’t run enough, I run too much and on and on…the thing is I am still learning and I am doing the best I can. I have learned that we won’t please everyone and that each person is unique. I am doing the best I can and the only one I am going to compete against is ME! It’s always most important to make YOURSELF proud! First and foremost! You are an AWESOME runner! Don’t ever forget that no matter how much you run, how fast you run, how often you race, etc – you are awesome!